fatalism

The end of such things is usually imposed by such things as love/like/lust, as it were. My goodbye- ( I love long goodbyes ) letter to apw:

apw

I must preface with: this email won't mean anything to you, just as our time together meant nothing, as I, to you, meant nothing worth remembering. I write and send this letter knowing that your receiving/reading/deleting will effect you less than my thought of you now. Nonetheless, it means something to me to be able to make one last aspect of myself known to you.

At our beginning, I was afraid of being hurt by you and now I can see that what I thought was fear was really intuition. For me, nothing between us ever felt like anything of consequence but I thought more of you than to deny even fleeting happiness or lust by any other name.

And now, I feel like such a fucking dumbass for having ignored my own intuition--I wanted to discover in you some aspect of humanity and maturity beneath the surface, instead of trusting my friends and my initial instincts, I played your game too long and became another of your pawns.

I couldn't let it go unsaid or unknown to you that I've never been so disrespected by any man I've known. I never deserved to be so fucked with by someone like you. I hate that in this you have been able to make me feel so rejected.

But, in the end, perhaps this is my penance for wishing you could be more of a man than you could muster. I was made happy by the idea of you and am now punished by the reality of you.

The Lord does provide--if not opportunity, at the least lessons.

I hope you have read into this enough to stimulate your mind in ways you've never felt before.

You didn't get what it was you wanted. If anything was to have been learned, perhaps in your future efforts you will try being both honorable & honest in heart & words.

d.