fatalism

The end of such things is usually imposed by such things as love/like/lust, as it were. My goodbye- ( I love long goodbyes ) letter to apw:

apw

I must preface with: this email won't mean anything to you, just as our time together meant nothing, as I, to you, meant nothing worth remembering. I write and send this letter knowing that your receiving/reading/deleting will effect you less than my thought of you now. Nonetheless, it means something to me to be able to make one last aspect of myself known to you.

At our beginning, I was afraid of being hurt by you and now I can see that what I thought was fear was really intuition. For me, nothing between us ever felt like anything of consequence but I thought more of you than to deny even fleeting happiness or lust by any other name.

And now, I feel like such a fucking dumbass for having ignored my own intuition--I wanted to discover in you some aspect of humanity and maturity beneath the surface, instead of trusting my friends and my initial instincts, I played your game too long and became another of your pawns.

I couldn't let it go unsaid or unknown to you that I've never been so disrespected by any man I've known. I never deserved to be so fucked with by someone like you. I hate that in this you have been able to make me feel so rejected.

But, in the end, perhaps this is my penance for wishing you could be more of a man than you could muster. I was made happy by the idea of you and am now punished by the reality of you.

The Lord does provide--if not opportunity, at the least lessons.

I hope you have read into this enough to stimulate your mind in ways you've never felt before.

You didn't get what it was you wanted. If anything was to have been learned, perhaps in your future efforts you will try being both honorable & honest in heart & words.

d.

Lessons, Happiness, Etc.

Aaaahh, I know I've probably been the least consistant with updating about dates and whatnot, so here it goes:

I've learned a valuable lesson with the whole online dating thing: never...NEVER date a writer. There was this guy who started e-mailing me, and he was incredibly charming. Very funny, seemed really articulate, the works. And he told me he was a sports writer (specifically hockey, so I thought you ladies would approve) for some local colleges. I decided to just go for it. HOLY AWKWARD DATE, BATMAN! Dinner took a little over an hour, and I couldn't get my ass out of that restaurant fast enough. First of all, he chose the restaurant, telling me how he hung out there a lot and whatnot...and all he did was complain about how loud and crowded it was. Hello? If you go there all the time, you know the atmosphere. Ugh. And it's not that he was just awkward to talk to...his mannerisms bugged the crap out of me. Lots of unfunny sarcasm (followed by dramatic eye rolls), inappropriate first date stories (I really don't care how much pot he used to smoke), and...drumroll please...he spent a good 10 minutes showing me pictures and videos of his cat. Oh wait, no...his roommate's cat. Gross. Does anyone else watch How I Met Your Mother? I wanted to Lemon Law him.

But on a happy note, I went on more dates with bowling guy. Dinner and board games was date 4, and we went to a movie and split a GIANT cookie on date 5. That's when I finally got my smooch, so I was a happy camper. After that, we finally crossed into hanging out at each other's houses Then I went on vacation for a little over a week, and we talked (mostly texts but a few phone calls too) every day when I was gone. We spent most of yesterday together, which was awesome. Which leads me to ask...

How does this competition thing work if you get a boyfriend out of the deal? :)

On The Fence

So since my last post i have been on 3 DATES WITH THE SAME GUY! this is pretty epic, seeing as the first 2 guys i went out with were duds. i'll break it down to make things easier ...

date 1: dinner. we went to dinner at an italian place near my house, he picked the location. it was a bit loud inside so rather than shout across the table, he sat next to me. conversation flowed really well, surprisingly. this guy was different from the others though, he was no nonsense with the emailing. we exchanged maybe 2 emails before he gave me his number and asked if i wanted to "meet up" (that always sounds sketchy to me). dinner lasted almost 2 hours and at no point did i want to run screaming from the restaurant. at the end of the night we parted ways without any physical contact, which was exactly what i preferred.

date 2: for our second date i went out his way and we went bowling and out to dinner. i wasn't on top of my game and lost, but it was a pretty good time! i was expecting just bowling then heading home, but he surprised me and invited me to get dinner. now, at this point he's spent a grand total of roughly $60 on taking me out, so when we went to dinner that night i offered to pay half. is it bad that i feel guilty having a guy take me out multiple times and pay for everything when i'm not totally into him? he looked a bit taken aback, but w/e. after dinner we hung out at his house (yep, he owns his own home! buttt has a roomie ... who is moving out at the end of this month). we watched tv in his basement for an hour or so. when it came time for me to leave it was a little awkward so i cut it short as quickly as possible and leaned in for a hug. he texted me on my way home saying he had a good time. WIN.

date 3: the tour. to keep our geographical location under wraps, i will abbreviate where we went as r.o.. so the plan was he was going to give me a tour of R.O. on foot. it was a really nice day so the plan sounded good to me. well, it ended up we just walked a few blocks from the parking structure to the restaurant. we got there around 7, which appeared to be peak happy hour time. the place was packed with businessmen in shirts and ties, top buttons undone, beers in hand. i have to admit i checked out a few of them, some of whom returned the looks. it was hard to have a conversation while eating because it was so loud, the non-talking seemed a little awkward to me but he just kept looking at me and smiling. after dinner we went back to his house and watched some basketball ... not my favorite sport to watch, but whatever. he drank a beer at dinner and was now yawning non stop and decided to lay down on the couch, his head a few inches from my lap, at one point. i was a little weirded out by this, not gonna lie. and now comes the time to part ways ... we were standing at his front door, doing that awkward dance, seeing if one of us would make a move and lean in for a lip lock. i let this go on for a few seconds before i went in for the hug. he pretty much wrapped me in a bear hug and i think he even smelled my hair ... awkward. after this, the entire drive home, i felt like a bad person, like i should have kissed him because it was the 3rd date. anyway, he has texted me since then but we haven't made any 4th date plans yet.

but really, as nice as this guy is, i'm on the fence about him. i don't get the butterflies when i think about him, when i see that he has texted me, or when i meet up with him to go out. maybe my expectations are too high?? i don't know ... i've always gotten butterflies with my past boyfriends and that's the feeling i'm looking for with this whole dating experiment.

ladies, i need advice/help. what should i do? keep going out with him until i decide how i'm feeling? ask him what he's looking for? don't go out with him again? ugh, so confusing.

Deal Breaker?

So, ladies. I need some opinions. This guy (the pole vaulter) I have been talking to revealed something a little alarming to me...

HE WAS MARRIED

Is this a deal breaker?

The Candy Man

Date 12: The Candy Man

So I had been e-mail back and forth with the Candy Man for over a month but he wasn't asking me to meet up at all. I uncharacteristically asked him if he would want to meet up and he did and he sounded excited about it. Yay! We met for drinks at the bar by my apartment. Convenient but I didn't really think this one through entirely. It was a little awkward when we walked in and I got recognized by the bartender because I am a "regular." I love being a "regular" at a bar (you all know that) but I'm not sure it's the best first date introduction. We joked about it a little and I don't think it bothered the Candy Man. We talked for a couple of hours and we seemed to have a lot in common, it was very much enjoyable. I hope he thought so too because I'd like to go out with him again. I haven't heard anything from him, but it's only been a little over a day. Here's to hoping!

The Woman I'm Kind of Dating

No, I have not started playing for the other team, I still very much prefer the peen. It just so happens that coffee guy acts like more of a woman in relationships than I do, hence his new nickname...The Woman! Anyway, on to the story, also known as date numero 11 for me. So after the whole premature "will you be my girlfriend?" fiasco he came over to watch a movie. It was going fine until the movie ended and he said we needed to have "a talk about us." Seriously, on the 4th date? Basic gist of the conversation, he went on another date but thought of me the whole time and wants to be more serious, I told him I was really busy right now (not a lie) and it didn't seem like a good time for me to jump into anything. Is it bad to not like someone because they like you too much? It sounds weird but honestly I think I need someone way less intense right now.

back in the game!

OH EM GEEE, IT FINALLY EFFING HAPPENED!! ....

no, i'm not talking about meeting "the one", i'm talking about a DATE. after over a month of a dry spell and pointless emails with 3 new guys, one had the balls to ask me out to dinner. we're going out tonight to an italian place near my house. i'm actually looking forward to this date. unlike the previous 2 dates i've been on, this new guy and i haven't exchanged tons of emails, so i don't know that much about him, thus we will have plenty to talk about (or at least i hope that will be the case).

on another note, i really must say that chemistry.com is a crock of shit, and so are all of the stupid commercials. i haven't had a "new match" in over 2 weeks. WTF?! i'm considering calling and complaining, asking for a month free or something.

so an update on the engineer i went on 1 date with ... he texts me on a fairly regular basis butttt hasn't suggested we go out again. what the heck is up with that? i'm close to cutting things off. he lives an hour away and i don't think there's much of a spark, we'll see.

one last thing, unrelated, L. Lo, some friends and i are going out this saturday ... SO excited!