fatalism

The end of such things is usually imposed by such things as love/like/lust, as it were. My goodbye- ( I love long goodbyes ) letter to apw:

apw

I must preface with: this email won't mean anything to you, just as our time together meant nothing, as I, to you, meant nothing worth remembering. I write and send this letter knowing that your receiving/reading/deleting will effect you less than my thought of you now. Nonetheless, it means something to me to be able to make one last aspect of myself known to you.

At our beginning, I was afraid of being hurt by you and now I can see that what I thought was fear was really intuition. For me, nothing between us ever felt like anything of consequence but I thought more of you than to deny even fleeting happiness or lust by any other name.

And now, I feel like such a fucking dumbass for having ignored my own intuition--I wanted to discover in you some aspect of humanity and maturity beneath the surface, instead of trusting my friends and my initial instincts, I played your game too long and became another of your pawns.

I couldn't let it go unsaid or unknown to you that I've never been so disrespected by any man I've known. I never deserved to be so fucked with by someone like you. I hate that in this you have been able to make me feel so rejected.

But, in the end, perhaps this is my penance for wishing you could be more of a man than you could muster. I was made happy by the idea of you and am now punished by the reality of you.

The Lord does provide--if not opportunity, at the least lessons.

I hope you have read into this enough to stimulate your mind in ways you've never felt before.

You didn't get what it was you wanted. If anything was to have been learned, perhaps in your future efforts you will try being both honorable & honest in heart & words.

d.

live a little

Ladies! my loves! please keep writing! we have to inspire each other!

(My fish life is a bit of a mess right now, esp. in regards to apw... did I mention that he said, "don't laugh, but would you want to go out with me?" did I mention it was at a very, very interesting (pseudo-intimate) time? My response, "You have terrible timing. And I don't even know what that means." What the shit. L.Lo's been coaching me through the whole ordeal. SIGH.

more later, lots of loves, but keep posting!

2 traps

there are 2 traps, listen up:

trap 1: girl falls for guy who isn't that into her. she falls before seeing reality; MOST of the IDEA of the thing is made up in her head by thinking/lusting about him, little/no basis in realty.

trap 2: girl decides to fall for attention given by guy who she is originally only slightly into/physically/sexually attracted to; she falls for the attention he gives her, loves the attention, in time, she translates to liking/loving him; this is the definition of settling. even if he is pretty great.

Does one represent ZenFish, (real life)? The other apw, (real life)?

I don't know.

I'm just worried I'm going to 1. get myself trapped (by agreeing to being exclusive with apw, in the event that that could be a pending question) or 2. lose something potentially great by either answering yes or no (to apw, with apw) or 3. never know the potential greatness of something for lack of effort/strength/insight/instinct (with all the fish in the sea and ZenFish in particular).

and 3 becomes 5

are there 5 of us now? i think i am missing a lot.

i need to find more fish before i end up married to apw. he came over again last night. and left early this morning. need fish.

POF Date #1: DJFish

Last night was my first interwebs date and I have to say, I hated it. I actually felt SAD when it was done. So sad I called and texted BS and apw after (didn't tell them exactly why; my great aunt died on vday so I kinda worked with the weird dysphoria from that experience).

We met at Borders (bookstore) where there is the Seattle Coffee cafe; we met there, he came up to me. He was dressed nicely (just came from work) but in like a "dude-who-dresses-himself" way--So it was like he was trying but it does not pan out--he looked NOT like a JCrew model, or like a Funeral Director, but like a guy who is the manager at Best Buy. And his hair, was terrible, like long and super-straight, and combed really dumb, sigh sigh sigh. He was super nervous at first so I just talked. And I bought him his tea; it just seemed easier. I need someone who is more forward and focused.

#1 complaint (mixed with other complaints): the photos on his profile were from a skinnier time; like 100-150 lbs skinnier. He had mentioned once in emails how working out was newly important to him; how he was finally making the commitment to take care of his body once and for all.... guess I should have guessed; and then he brought up "being the fat kid" and "being forced to take all these pills (OCD, ADD, etc.)" and "sweating sitting down for no reason." Mom issues, major roommate issues (roommate is in love with a stripper...) Sounds like damaged baggage. So, I am not physically attracted to him in reality--photos were cute, fuck it all. Hey, L.Lo, we need a code for the test: can I picture his __ in my mouth? Think of something. Anyway, no, I could not picture it. Nope no no no.

Anyway, I feel totally discouraged. It wasn't terrible, I just think I was disappointed, maybe I expected too much, like that he would be normal, and look like his pics, etc. I kinda don't even want to see him again--I could tell he was so sad after 2 hours when I was like, I gotta go. 2 hours! That's long enough! And he hugged me in the parking lot after walking me halfway to my car, I said, we'll be in touch; now I'm sad I said that, BUT I don't think he'll have the balls/confidence to call to ask me out; texting and emails will not work. I'm pretty sure I am going to lose this competition, but that's okay, I want to go to MN anyway ;-) But also, I just can't get into quantity; getting into confidence is hot, but the numbers aren't making sense. I am totally down to try some speed dating, totally game. Please see what you can find out!

But I feel discouraged, I don't even want to log in to POF and see what else is new. I don't have anything promising really. Blah.

In other news, makeout session with apw on vday, he brought flowers, haha. Going to see BS Wednesday (were going to have dinner but now prob just going to Ski Mt. to watch his team race (he f'ed his shoulder last week).

I think I need more eggs, because apw's lines are starting to sound good and I really like that BS has invited me on his summer weekend trips. I'm now madly in love with a local guy at a restaurant that I frequent; my goal is to bring him to drink on Thursday, but to avoid inviting via facebook, I need to go in for dinner tonight or tomorrow but my week is pacted like sardines in a tin can. Even my lil sister says, restaurant egg is into me and that I should hook up with him. I'd love too, thx k bai.

Okay. WELL, I think you're hot and that counts for a lot

Ginger be feedin' me lines! Gah!

texts from right now:

d./v. = me

Ginger=apw=him

d./v. So did you win the fight? I've got money on you winning.

apw Yeah i won the fight

d./v. Hot.

apw Thank you :) i happen to think you wearing a suit and buying a house is hot

d./v. lol. I'm actually pretty badass. I just have to make it all look socially acceptable on the surface.

apw :) i happen to like you

d./v. Yeahhh well think about what I said the other night, because though I'm very attracted to you, what I know of you makes me apprehensive.

(What I said the other night: re: his 'liking' me: "I don't understand it, for one, but no need to get existential. My initial impression of you is of a player; based on your actions that first night with me and then the redhead girl; and I'm curious about the conversation you shared with the guys following." Basically, first time I met him, he was super drunk, totally up in my shit, I liked it; I 'broke the ice,' if you know what I mean. I had to leave party because my cockblocking friend was pissy that she wasn't getting any attention. As I was saying goodbye to the hosts of the party, who happened to be BS and others, apw starts making out with this other redheaded chick; makingout hardcore, like BLOCKING THE EXIT HARDCORE MAKINGOUT. Then, the next day, I hear from BS and the other guys/hosts of that party that apw mentioned that I was touching his apw. Not cool, not cool, I don't think anyone saw/knew, so who the fuck said something, Oh, I'm guessing it was apw himself. I didn't get all the details, but basically, BS told me that after I left, the redhead girl left, which left apw alone and asking about me. He wanted someone to hookup with, I'm guessing. Anyhow, I have NO IDEA what was said btwn the guys, but BS was texting me that night during the boychat, and said, "the big redheaded guy [apw] wants you, should i send him over?".....then, "Oh no no I'm not picking on you I'm just saying you weren't going to hookup with him, right?" (actually, this convo carried on btwn BS and I into sort of cute/flirty, BUT anyway).)

apw I will, i'm really not as bad as you think :)

d./v. I'm not so concerned about you being 'bad' as I am about you being real. Real is important.

apw I understand what you mean.

d./v. And if you don't that's fine. We can figure it out. Or not. Everything is chill. You're fucking great. I'm totally awesome. And for now, it is what it is.

apw I want to figure it out, cause i really like you; you are awesome and i'd think we would be great :)

d./v. Okay. I think you're hot and that counts for a lot.

apw Well i'm glad you think the same as i do :)

d./v. I've got to go embalm. Get some rest.

WHAT THE SHIT LADIES. COMMENTS PLEASE. POSTING IN HASTE BECAUSE L.LO IS GOING TO BED.

P.S. Also, it should be said that BS and apw are boys I actually met first in the real world.

P.P.S. Am I ruining the concept of all ya'lls blog by posting about my WHOLE (slutty) life?